What She Would Have Wanted
by buffypurple12
Summary: Set after The Body Spike helps Buffy and Dawn cope with life without their mother whilst Buffy struggles to come to terms with her feelings for Spike and how he fits in with her and her sister's lives.
1. Chapter 1

**TITLE:** What She Would Have Wanted  
**AUTHOR:** Scythe (buffypurple12)  
******REVIEWS:** Yes, please.  
**ARCHIVE/DISTRIBUTION:** insanebuffyfans (my site), please ask before you take.  
**SUMMARY: **Set after The Body - Spike helps Buffy and Dawn cope with life without their mother whilst Buffy struggles to come to terms with her feelings for Spike and how he fits in with her and her sister's lives.  
**SPOILERS:** Season 6 of "Buffy the Vampire Slayer."  
**CONTENT/WARNINGS: **Buffy/Spike, references to sex, death, violence. This is a 'baby fic'  
**RATING:** PG-13  
**DISCLAIMER:** Joss Whedon, et. al, are the owners. I simply write non-profit work.  
**NOTE: **I'd just like to say a big thank-you to my beta fishsanwitt for helping me rewrite this story and for giving me her honest opinions. Dedicated to the IBFs for always being there for me.

**Chapter 1**

Buffy felt numb. Her mom had passed away not long ago. She felt no pain at all, just a numbness that crept over her like some sort of disease. She was terribly worried that something was wrong with her.

She sat on the couch staring into space. Her baby sister was upstairs crying endlessly. Dawn hadn't spoken a word to anyone since she had broken down, after seeing her mother's body in the morgue. Whenever Buffy went to check on her, Dawn would stare at her, let out a devastated cryand bury her face in her pillow. She refused to go to school and barely ate anything.

No matter how hard she tried, Buffy couldn't get Dawn out of the funk she was in. All the Scoobies had tried as well, but after hours of no response, they had trudged back down the stairs, hanging their heads in defeat.

The only person who hadn't tried was Spike.

He hadn't been around much lately and she suspected that the bleached blond was trying to keep a respectful distance. Buffy didn't want to deal with him right now, but Dawn was undeniably attached to him. She sighed and trudged up the stairs to her room. She changed into a pair of baggy shorts and a camisole top and then walked down the hall to the bathroom, where she brushed her teeth and splashed cold water on her face. She looked at her reflection in the mirror. Dark shadows surrounded her eyes and she realised that she hadn't slept in days.

As she walked back down the hall, she noticed that Dawn's sobs had subsided. She paused at her sister's door and then, carefully opened it. Her sister had fallen asleep, fully clothed, amongst a pile of photos, a frown still on her face. Tear tracks marred the smoothness of her cheeks.

Buffy stealthily gathered up the photographs and placed them in a neat pile on the nightstand. She then gently undressed Dawn and pulled a purple cotton nightdress over her head. Gathering her sister close, she got into bed. She held Dawn tightly as she began to whimper in her sleep. Buffy softly stroked her hair and, slowly, the noise subsided. The calming motion stopped, as Buffy succumbed to her own tiredness and fell into a dreamless sleep.

Buffy awoke early, after only a few hours. She moved quietly out of Dawn's bed and went into her own room to get dressed, in jeans and a t-shirt. She twisted her hair up into a loose bun, then set about the task of cleaning the house.While Buffy was working, Dawn came downstairs to watch TV, althoughshe still refused to eat or speak.

Buffy was getting increasingly worried about her. She had an idea of what could snap her sister out of it, but it would have to wait until nightfall.

She spent the rest of the day watching tv with Dawn, trying to engage her in conversation and looking at the clock, willing it to be later in the day. At last nightfall came. "Dawn, I'm going out for a little while," she called out, but there was no response. "Is that okay? Will you be all right here on your own?" Still no acknowledgment. Buffy sighed (something she was doing a lot lately) and left the house.

She walked briskly through the cemetery. For some strange reason, she was nervous about seeing Spikeagain. Ever since he'd declared his love for her, she'dfelt extremely awkward around him.

She often questioned why she had rejected him. He was funny (though she would never admit it to him), kind to her sister, wickedstrong, completely in love with her and drop-dead gorgeous. The problem wasn't that she didn't have any feelings for him. It was that she was worried about what her friends would think of her if she and Spike became an item.

She thought about this and, before she knew it, she was standing outside his crypt.

She opened the heavy stone door and walked in. "Spike, are you in here?" she called out into the gloomy darkness of the crypt. There was no reply. She walked further into the room, but didn't see any sign of him.

_'Maybe he's downstairs,'_ she thought to herself. She climbed down the ladder leading to the underground section of his home. A few candles gave light to the large room. She looked around and didn't notice him until her eyes fell on the bed. He was asleep and, apparently, wearing nothing at all.

She walked slowly over to the bed. "Spike, wake up!" she called softly. He didn't stir. "Spike!" she tried again, with a bit more volume. He slept like... well, the dead.

She knelt on the edge of his bed and placed a hand on his arm. _'Ooh nice,'_ she thought at the feel of his hard muscles under her palm. She gently shook him. He moved suddenly. She jumped and lost her balance, tumbling onto the bed next to him.

_'Uh oh. Not good,'_ she thought as she felt him wrap his arms around her, bury his face into her neck and nuzzle her. _'Okay, maybe not so bad after all...'_

She felt a little thrill go through her. _'Don't be silly Buffy,'_ she thought as she looked down at his handsome face. He looked really cute when he was asleep. _'He's probably not even thinking about you.'_ She started to gently shift him off her. He was quite heavy and she found it hard to do so from her awkward position.

"Buffy!" he moaned and hugged her tighter.

She froze at the sound of her name and smiled in self-satisfaction. _'Hmm so he was thinking about me.'_

After several attempts at trying to get away, she gave up.

"Spike!" she said loudly, "can you wake up?" She smacked him firmly on the arm. He whimpered and curled up on his side, releasing her. _'Okay, slightly better off now, but, still need to wake him up.'  
_  
She spotted a glass of water next to his bed. Pickingit up, shelooked at it thoughtfully for a moment, then threw the entire contents in his face.

"ARGH!"

He woke with a jolt and sat up spluttering. "Bloody hell woman! What did you have to go and do that for? 'specially as I was having such a nice dream about..." he looked up at her, "er... never mind."

She noticed that he was slightly disconcerted. She ignored it however.

"Spike I need your help."

He contemplated her for a moment "Alright. Let me just get my clothes on." And with that, he got up and began to get dressed.

Buffy quickly averted her eyes and cleared her throat. "Er... don't you want to know what I want your help with?" she asked.

" 'course, " he replied "Tell me on the way. I'd do anything for you, kitten. You know you got a willing slave."

At his words, she blushed deeply. "So. What kind of demon has got your knickers in a twist this time?" he asked.

"Actually, this is about Dawn," she informed him.

He stopped buckling his belt and looked up at her with concern " The niblet? What about her?"

"I'll explain on the way... I don't want to leave her alone any longer than necessary."

As they walked back to the Summers' residence, Spike silently contemplated why he, of all people, might be needed. He was finding it hard to keep to himself how thrilled he was that she actually trusted him enough to help with Dawn. He had learned though, the hard way, not to leave himself open and managed to appear nonchalant.

He listened as she told him about Dawn not responding to her and their situation with Social Services.

"I could lose her. I have guardianship of her, but if she doesn't go to school or ifit seems like I'm not looking after her, they'll take her away. And I can't let that happen. She's all that I really have left," Buffy said as she unlocked the door and went in, with Spike following behind.

"Why do you think she'll listen to me?" he asked as they made their way up the stairs.

Buffy pondered this remark. "Personally, I have no idea why she likes you, but I know that she thinks of you as... well, as one of her best friends." Buffy noticed Spike's face fall for a second, before he quickly recovered and she immediately found herself regretting what she had said.

"And... you're a fairly good friend to her." Again, before he could hide it, she saw a ghost of a smile.

"Have you tried her other friends?" he looked concerned. "I mean, are you sure I'm the right person for her to be talking to?"

"Spike! You and I both know that she hasn't got any other friends," she hissed angrily as they came to a stop outside Dawn's bedroom.

"Don't know why," he whispered back "My niblet is a bloody nice person; you'd think people would consider themselves lucky to hang out with her."

She took a deep breath. "It's because of me," she said sadly.

"That's ridiculous Slay-"

She cut him off. "I know it's because of my reputation. People have heard 'things' and they're worried that Dawn's the same... I once heard some lady warning her daughter not to talk to Dawn in case she got her into the 'bad crowd'... poor Dawnie. She doesn't deserve that. It's not her fault that I'm the Slayer."

"It's not your fault either, luv," he said softly.

She smiled weakly. "I used to wish for a normal life. It was what I wanted more than anything in the whole world."

"What changed?" he asked, interested.

"I got a taste of normal," she told him, "and you know what? Normal is overrated. I think some people need to be normal, to fit in, to be happy. But I know that I need more than that. I've come to realize that being the Slayer is who I am. I can't run from it. It's what makes me, me. I have to embrace it... does that make any sense? I guess it's hard to explain."

He looked down at her with awe. She was amazing. Never in his one hundred and twenty-one years had he felt such strong emotions for anyone. He ached to reach out and touch her. She was strong in so many ways, but also fragile. He wanted to comfort her and protect her from the cruelties of the world. He didn't want anyone to damage this amazing, incredible woman's spirit.

He cleared his throat. "Yeah luv, I think I know what you mean."

She gave him a sad smile. Now he felt heart-wrenching sorrow. Here was the most beautiful woman in the world, turning to him to try and comfort her devastated sister because of the death of their mother. Who was there to look after her? Her father had abandoned her and now her mother was gone too. She had to look after her younger sister. A responsibility she put above all else. He hated that she was in pain. He just wanted to take her in his arms and kiss the hurt away.

She glanced up at him and saw many emotions in his eyes but mostly, she saw love. She was amazed by the look of unquestionable devotion and admiration that shone from him. It made her knees weak and her pulse race. She couldn't bring herself to look away from his turbulent blue eyes.

"If you ever need me, for _anything_, maybe it won't seem like much, but if I can help, you know I will. I know you might not believe it, or believe that I love you, but I do, and I'm here if you need me." Spike said, his voice breaking slightly. She managed to tear her gaze away and stare down at the floor.

"I promise," she mumbled, embarrassed by his request. "Oh, and Spike?"

"Yeah Slayer?"

"Thank you."

He gave her a small nod. "If you need me, I'll be downstairs," she said quietly, before turning and leaving.

He stood facing Dawn's bedroom door.

_'You can do this. Buffy's counting on you.'_ He took a deep breath, rapped once on the door, and softly slipped into Dawn's room.

She was sitting on the edge of the bed, shoulders hunched, staring off into space. Spike walked over and sat down next to her. Without turning to look at him, she leaned over and rested her head on his shoulder. He kissed the top of her head, wrapped an arm round her thin shoulders and said "Platelet, talk to me? Your sister is very worried about you."

Dawn started to sob into his shoulder.

"Dawn,I know it hurts. I've seen many people I love die in my life time and it never really gets easier."

She buried her face into his chest. He tightened his arm around her and rocked her slowly. "Buffy told me you haven't been eating?"

"Oh Spike! I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I feel like if I stop looking at pictures, I'll forget her and I don't want her to go un-remembered!"

"Everyone goes through this, pet. Eventually, all the things that need to be remembered find their place in your heart. So a person is never really gone. Your mum will always be with you."

"But... she was all I had."

"Nonsense. What about Buffy? And me? And the Scoobies? And..."

She interrupted him. "The gang only put up with me because I'm Buffy's sister. Buffy only puts up with me because it's her job to protect 'the Key'."

"Don't be silly Dawn! Buffy loves you and, even if that were true, you'd still have me." Heput both his arms around her and awkwardly hugged her."I love you."

"Really? Do you mean that?"

" 'course I do. If you weren't around, I'd have to play poker by myself and tell myself stories."

She gave a small smile. He did the same, glad that he was able to cheer her up, even a little bit. Then his expression changed back to serious.

"I know you miss your mum. So do I. She was a brilliant woman. Always there when I needed to talk. But you need to start moving on Dawn. I know that loss feels different for different people. You have to remember that you're not the only one in pain. You're sister is hurtin' a lot more than she's letting on."

"She is?" Dawn considered this. "But she acts like nothing has changed. Like it's just a normal thing."

"Buffy is a very special person. She was given all these powers and the most important job there is, to protect the world. She grew up fast, but she still leaned on your mum. Joyce supported her and helped her in any way that she could. Now Buffy has to find a way to earn money and look after you when she's never had to look after anyone, other than herself. You're growing up and soon you'll be thinking about how you're going to go out and make your mark on the world. Buffy's responsibilities prevent her from doingthat. She must be finding it hard and rather overwhelming to be without Joyce. You need to look after each other."

"Oh! I never thought of it that way," Dawn said thoughtfully. "Poor Buffy. We should help her if we can."

"Your sis also told me that she's been able to obtain full guardianship of you, on the condition that you both have monthly interviews and, every couple of weeks, a social worker comes to check that the house is in order."

"Why are you telling me this?" she asked.

"Well, you see 'bit. If the social worker decides to make a surprise visit and notices that you haven't been eating properly, Buffy may not be seen fit to take care of you, and I don't want my poker partner taken away now, do I?"

"Okay Spike. I'll start eating again... we have to find a way to make things easier for Buffy... I can't... I can't lose her too," she said, determined. He placed a light kiss on her forehead.

"And we will, sweet bit!" He passed her a tissue from her nightstand.

Dawn wiped the remaining tears from her eyes and blew her nose. She stood up, a resolute look on her face andoffered her hand to Spike, to help him up. Without letting go, she led him downstairs.

"Buffy?" she called out.

"Dawnie?" Buffy came out of the kitchen. "You're talking again!" she said as she hurried over and wrapped her sister in a big hug.

Spike stood to the side, watching the scene with an inner satisfaction

"Spike." Buffy released her sister. "Thank you."

She gave him a light kiss on the cheek.

"Wow!" Dawn said, with a mischievous smile on her face. Buffy looked at the vampire, who had a slightly dazed expression on his face.

"I'm gonna order some pizza, and Dawnie, you wanna watch a few movies?" Buffy paused and then said, "Spike? You're welcome to join us, if you want."

He snapped out of hisdaze, and cleared his throat. "I'd, uh, love to."

******A/N: Updates up until chapter four will be quick as they are already written. Updates after that will take a little longer. Please review and let me know what you think of it so far. **


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

After a few weeks, Dawn had become more like her old, bright, bubbly self again and Buffy and Spike were growing closer. They patrolled together every night and often watched a movie when they got back. Buffy was more attracted to him the longer they were together and she started to realize that she didn't see him as a demon anymore. She was seeing him as a man.

Meanwhile, Spike's love for her was growing even deeper, if that were possible. He was trying very hard to be patient and wait for her to make the first move.

Spike couldn't believe his luck. The love of his un-life was curled up in his arms, fast asleep.

They had ordered pizza and then they'd all sat down together on the sofa. Buffy and Dawn had snuggled up together under a blanket while he had stayed at the end of the couch, watching over them. His happiness had increased even further when Buffy had decided to stretch out and rest her feet in his lap.

They had watched 'Miss Congeniality'. But he hadn't been able to really concentrate on the storyline, not with the object of his affections sitting so close to him.

Halfway through the movie, Dawn had yawned really loudly and trudged up the stairs to bed, after a mumbled goodnight. Without Dawn there, Buffy had tucked her feet under her body. Spike had been very disappointed and he'd had to suppress a shiver at the feeling of lost contact.

That was until she'd rested her head on his shoulder. He'd been ecstatic. He'd sat still because he'd been worried that the slightest movement would scare her away and he'd debated whether or not to wrap his arm around her waist.

The decision had been made for him when she'd snuggled closer and he'd instinctively put his arm around her.

Now, he watched her, as her eyes slowly drifted shut. He waited until her breathing evened out and then covered her up with the blanket. He tried to make her lie down, but she refused to relinquish her grip on him. Not that he minded.

He lay back on the sofa, bringing her with him, settling her gently on top of him. He couldn't bring himself to fall asleep because he knew that this was probably the only chance he would have with her, sleeping in his embrace.

So he lay awake and watched the rise and fall of her chest.

In the morning, Dawn trotted down the stairs, spied the sleeping couple, and decided that she could do with a few more hours of sleep after all. She quietly turned around and went back up the stairs.

A little while later, Buffy woke up slowly. As she did so, she shifted slightly and enjoyed the feel of a hard, muscular body underneath her. _'Wait, that's not right!'_

She sat up with a jolt, and looked down to see an amused Spike smiling up at her.

"Mornin' luv. Sleep well?" he asked, with his patented smirk and raised eyebrow.

"Spike?" she asked, her sleep-addled mind not understanding what he was doing there, on her sofa, in her house, with her on top of him.

"Yes luv?"

"Um... good morning," she stammered, embarrassed.

"You fell asleep on top of me during the movie. I tried to shift you off, but you seemed to have other ideas. So, what's a fellow to do? I had to change all my plans for the evening and stay here with you".

She looked mortified.

"Just kidding you, kitten," he said, his eyes twinkling with mischief. "There's no place I'd rather be." Then he answered her unasked question. "And I didn't touch you, luv. I swear."

"No! I didn't think..."

"It's okay, luv. I'd be thinking the same thing in your shoes." He smiled at her again and she blushed.

"No. What I'm trying to say is that, I trust you not to take advantage of me and I trust you with Dawn."

He looked at her, astonishment reflected in his clear blue eyes.

"I trust you Spike," she echoed a final time.

It felt as though time froze for a few seconds and then, the reality of the situation washed over him. _'She trusts me.'_ A wide grin split his face and he looked blissfully happy. The only thing stopping him from jumping up and dancing a jig was the fact that she was still on top of him. _'And she doesn't look like she's going to be moving any time soon,'_ he thought. He'd never felt so happy before. Then, another thought occurred to him and his brow furrowed, as he considered the risk.

Buffy noticed his change in expression. "Spike? Is something wrong?"

"No luv. I was just wondering if I'd get beaten up if I tell you that you look beautiful when you're sleeping." She blushed yet again. He gazed into her eyes, willing her to see how much he loved her. She stared back, unblinking.

"Spike?" she whispered hoarsely.

"Yes kitten?" He instantly became serious and his eyes darted to her lips.

"Um... I forgot..." she tilted her head down slightly, their lips now only several inches apart.

"Mmm... you forgot what?" His was voice was deep, practically purring, eyes focused on her bottom lip. She leaned in closer, their lips now only a few millimetres apart.

She suddenly came back to herself and realized what she was doing.

She leapt up. "Sorry I... I'm sorry," she stammered, then turned and ran up the stairs and into her bedroom, leaving a very puzzled Spike sitting on the sofa.

Buffy paced back and forth by the foot of her bed. "Oh God! Oh God! Oh God!" Then, she sat on the edge of her bed and put her head in her hands.

"Buffy?" Dawn knocked on her door. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing Dawnie! Why... wha... why?" She mentally slapped herself. _'Yeah that'll convince her that nothing's wrong.'_

"Oh come on, Buffy! I can hear you talking to yourself. Open the door?"

Sighing, Buffy stood up and unlocked the door. Dawn took her hand and led her back, to sit on the bed. "Okay, spill!" she demanded.

"Dawn... I... It's nothing," she looked at her sister, willing her (with her eyes) to just give up and not ask her about what happened. She knew she wouldn't be able to deceive her sister.

"Is this about Spike?"

"Spike?" Buffy squeaked, then cleared her throat, eyes wide, trying her best to look innocent.

"Ha! I knew it! You have a thing for him!"

Buffy turned bright red. "No Dawn! It's not about Spike..."

Dawn raised an eyebrow and regarded her skeptically. "Uh huh! Right, not about Spike..."

"Yep, nothing to do with Spike whatsoever."

"Buffy, come on! I know you _totally_ have a thing for him."

If it were possible, Buffy turned even redder. "Dawn, no I don't... I can't... he's a vampire!"

"Buffy please! I saw you this morning, all cuddled up together, very cosy," Dawn smirked at her blushing sister.

"That was... a mistake, I didn't mean... I was tired and I fell asleep and he was there... It could have happened with anyone."

"Uh huh! You keep telling yourself that." She gave a suggestive wink. "Besides, how can you not think he's hot?"

"Dawn!" Buffy exclaimed, shocked.

"Well he is! Have you seen him naked?"

"Dawn! _You_ better not have!" her sister gasped.

"Chill! I accidentally walked in on him when he was getting dressed. He only had his shirt off and he was completely embarrassed about the whole thing," Dawn exclaimed.

"Well. That's okay then. Yes, and I know, he's definitely a hottie!" Buffy confessed. "It's just that he's... dead and he's dead... dead!"

"You know, after a while, that excuse gets a bit old. Come on! He's completely in love with you, give him a chance!"

Buffy looked thoughtful.

"What happened downstairs to get you all freaked out anyway?"

Buffy looked away, embarrassed. "Um... well... er... we almost... sorta... we were very close to... kissing."

Dawn squealed with excitement. "Oh my God, Buffy! This is sooo huge!"

"Huh? Huge! Not huge!" she insisted frantically.

Dawn calmed herself down after seeing how panicked and confused her sister was. "You're right, Buffy. This isn't _that_ huge..." she smiled reassuringly.

Buffy calmed down a bit and flopped back on her bed with a sigh. "What am I going to do?" she groaned.

"Um... you go back downstairs and talk to him."

"No! I can't face him yet. Not after..."

"Oh! Come on! This is Spike, he won't rush you or get mad. If you tell him you want to take things slow, he'll do it... He'd do anything for you."

Buffy took a deep breath.

"And Buffy?"

"Yes Dawnie?"

"Don't forget to breathe because I don't think it's healthy for your face to turn purple too often, like it did a minute ago."

Buffy gave her sister the evil eye. "Very funny!"

"I thought so, now go!" and with that, Dawn pushed her sister out the door.

Spike was sitting on the sofa, lacing up his boots when Buffy walked back in. She cleared her throat nervously "Wh... are you going somewhere?'

"Yeah, you must have stuff to do. I'll get out of your way."

_'Don't let him leave like this Buffy,' _she thought frantically. "Spike it's daytime. You'll get all crispy if you go outside," she babbled. _'Ha! Good thinking!'_

"It's okay pet, if I run really fast and stick to the shadows, I can make it to the sewers... I hope, no worries!" he said nonchalantly. He grabbed his duster and stood up to slip it on.

"Spike, please stay."

He blinked, stopped what he was doing and regarded her silently.

"Keep me company? Dawn's going shopping with Janice, and I have nothing to do all day."

Spike's face broke into a grin, a sight that she didn't get to see often. It was especially rare to see him look so genuinely happy.

"Please?"

"Okay, kitten. I'll stay."

She smiled in relief. She loved it when he called her 'kitten'. He called everyone 'pet' or 'luv' but he reserved 'kitten' for her only.

"I want to apologise about earlier..."

"Spike, don't... I... it wasn't... then I panicked, I'm sorry. You understand?" she mentally kicked herself for being such a spaz.

"Sure Slayer. We'll forget it ever happened," he said, hurt evident in his voice.

"No... I mean..." she took a step forward. "I'm sorry I jumped up and spoiled the mood." With that, she tilted her head up and claimed his lips with her own.

Spike's mind could barely comprehend what was happening as he lost himself in her kiss. The only thought he had was, _'I love her_ _and she's kissing me.'_ He wrapped his arms tightly around her and pulled her as close to him as possible. She moaned. He took advantage of that fact and slipped his tongue into her mouth. She caressed it with her own. The intensity of the kiss made her knees feel weak.

Breathing was becoming a problem for Buffy. She didn't want to lose the wonderful contact she had with his mouth, but she was beginning to run out of oxygen. As if sensing her problem, Spike pulled back and began placing wet kisses down her neck. His hands gently stroked her back in small soothing circles. She moaned again and felt her legs give out.

Spike scooped her up and moved them over to the sofa. Placing her gently on his lap, he continued his oral exploration of her neck, shoulder and ear. She snuggled into his chest with a contented sigh.

He moved back up to her mouth again and nuzzled the corner of it with his own. "Look at that lip, gonna get it, gonna get it," he murmured. His deep voice sent tingles through her body. She let out another moan when she felt him trace her bottom lip with his tongue. She parted her lips and he slipped his tongue back into her mouth.

"Spike!" she managed to gasp. "Do... don't leave me."

He paused in his ministrations. "I told you I'd stay here today," he said as he gently kissed her on the lips.

"Mmmm... still so tired and you're so comfy," she said as she let out a little yawn.

"You sleep, kitten," he pressed a kiss to her forehead. "I'll watch over you."

"'kay." She closed her eyes "Don't ever leave me...they always leave."

"Wild horses," he told her softly "they couldn't ever keep me away."

**A/N: Please review and let me know if you like th edirection this story is going.  
**


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

_Two months later._

Spike woke up, glanced over at the nude girl sleeping next to him and smiled. _'So bloody_ _beautiful,'_ he thought. _'I must be the luckiest guy in the world.'_

Their relationship was great, full of passion and love. Even though she had yet to say the words to him, he knew that she loved him. They spent most of their time together. He often stayed with her during the day, keeping her company when her friends were at school.

She'd had to drop out of college. Since Joyce was no longer around, there was no monthly income to pay for food and other necessities and she'd used the tuition money (that her father had sent her), to help pay the bills. Spike had offered to help her out, but she had politely refused him.

They patrolled together every night, then either went back to his crypt or her house. The only problem was that she hadn't yet told her friends about their relationship. When he tried to ask her the reason, she changed the subject and distracted him.

He worried that she was ashamed of him. He was getting a bit annoyed at having to constantly explain his presence in Buffy's house, or being hurriedly squashed into some closet somewhere when they were interrupted in the middle of something.

Just the other day, he and Buffy had been 'training' in the back room of the magic shop and the next thing he knew, he was under a pile of mats, with Buffy sitting on top of them, for almost half an hour, while she discussed the newest 'Big Bad' with her Watcher.

He was glad that he didn't have to hide the relationship from his Little Bit. She had found out the second week they'd been together. He had been hiding behind the couch while Buffy had hastily grabbed a magazine off the table and pretended to calmly read it when Dawn had inquired as to why Spike's jeans were hanging from the lampshade.

Nothing Buffy said had convinced Dawn as to why they were there. Then Spike had seen a spider crawl near his hand and he'd jumped up from his hiding place, with a girly shriek. The back of the couch had, thankfully, hidden his nudity.

Dawn, trying not to giggle, had given them her blessing and told them that she was going to do her homework upstairs with her music turned up "really loud". Buffy had been relieved.

Spike could tell that Buffy was worried about what people would think. Dawn being so okay with it made things a bit easier.

Buffy let out a little whimper in her sleep and reached out for him. "It's alright sunshine, I'm here." He moved his body closer to hers, wrapped his arms around her and gently kissed her forehead. She seemed to be having a bad dream. He began whispering endearments to her. "It's alright, I love you, it's okay, it's only a dream. God, I love you so much!"

He sensed that she was waking up and he began peppering her face with little kisses, murmuring, "love you!" after each one. Her eyes slowly opened. "Morning, luv," he said as he smiled down at her.

"Mmm... morning." She stretched and then snuggled into his chest with a little smile.

"You okay? You looked like you were having a bad dream," he said, his face concerned.

"Yeah! I don't remember much of it, actually. There was darkness... it felt evil... but then a voice called to me... and I guess... I guess I woke up."

"I hope it wasn't one of your Slayer dreams, pet."

"It didn't feel like it -those are usually really vivid when I wake up... this one was vague. So, no need to worry about it."

"Can't help it. I always worry about you." He kissed her gently, then deeper, with morepassion. Buffy sighed happily as he moved his body on top of hers. She always felt safe when she was in his arms.

Meanwhile, Xander and Willow had been knocking on the front door for the past five minutes.

"You don't think a demon could have got to her, do you?" the redhead asked her friend worriedly. Xander went round to the side of the front porch and peered through the window.

"There's no sign of any struggle... hey, this window is open -give me a boost up?"

Willow sighed and stepped forward.

Once inside, Xander opened the front door to let Willow in. She was out of breath as she said,"You know, I think it would have been a better idea for you to boost _me _in through the window, not..." she broke off when she heard the sound of a growl from upstairs and a small cry.

"Oh God! Xander! There's something up there hurting Buffy!"

Xander raced up the stairs, with Willow following closely behind and burst into Buffy's room. "Buffy are you al... Oh God!"

Buffy gasped in horror and embarrassment. She pulled the sheet quickly over herself and Spike.

"Oops! Sorry Buff!" Xander began to back out of the room when Willow burst in.

"Xander, what is it? What's... Buffy! What are you doing!" the witch exclaimed. "Or should I say, _who _are you doing?"

They all heard a muffled "Bloody hell!" from under the sheet.

"Spike? You're doing Spike?"

"Oh God!" Buffy groaned. "Please tell me this isn't happening."

"Buffy?" Xander questioned her.

"Um... guys... can you go downstairs and wait while we get dressed?" Buffy asked sheepishly.

Embarrassed, Willow and Xander averted their eyes and left the room.

Buffy got dressed frantically. "Oh God! I can't believe they found out about us like this."

Spike didn't understand why she was so upset. "It's not that bad, Slayer. They were going to find out sooner or later." Trying to comfort her, he walked over to her and rubbed her arms. "Calm down Buffy, it's not the end of the world."

"Not the end of the world? It's worse!" she exclaimed angrily and moved away from him. "And God! Put some clothes on!"

This got Spike angry as well. "I knew it! I knew that you were ashamed of being with me! You're just using me, aren't you?" He started to pull on his jeans.

"Spike! Don't you dare make me out to be some sort of whore!" she shouted back.

"You have sex with me, but you don't love me! You come to me when you feel like it and you haven't told anyone about it. You're acting like a whore," he shot back, furious. "Hadn't had any in a long time, had you? So you decided to come to me! You don't love me and I was a fool to think that you ever would. I'm just... convenient to you... I just happened to be the only person around that could scratch your itch!"

"I can't believe you! You complete pig! You're right. I don't love you! How could I could ever love you? You are a disgusting thing! You're lucky I even let you touch me! You're beneath me!" she screamed back, angry and hurt by his words.

Inside, Spike could feel his heart breaking at every hurtful word she sent his way. "Let me make things easier for you Slayer, 'cos I can't take any more of this from you," he said through gritted teeth. Giving her one last glance, he grabbed his shirt and stormed out of the room.

After he left, Buffy sank numbly to the floor and burst into tears. Willow and Xander found her there, a while later.

As soon as he left the house, Spike couldn't contain his tears. He couldn't think about anything except that he'd lost her and he'd never get to hold her in his arms again. _'I've got to get her out of my head.'_

He pulled himself together, went back to his crypt and packed his few belongings into the DeSoto. Then after a last look around, he drove out of Sunnydale and out of her life.

Xander and Willow did everything they could to comfort the distraught Slayer, but nothing seemed to work.

"It's okay Buffy, we're not mad at you or anything, we were just taken by surprise. There's no reason to be so upset," Xander told her.

"You don't understand Xand," she sobbed.

"Then tell me, make it so we _can_ understand." Still sitting on the floor, he pulled her into his arms while Willow rubbed her back comfortingly.

"Oh God! I love him... I love him and he left me. They always leave me," she sobbed.

Xander and Willow exchanged worried glances.

"Aw Buff! It'll be okay, we're here for you." Willow wrapped her arms around Buffy too.

Spike was curled up in the back seat of his car. He couldn't sleep, he couldn't eat, he couldn't comprehend anything but the fact that he'd lost her and ruined his only chance at happiness. _'Why couldn't_ _you be content with what you had?'_ he asked himself. _'So what if she hadn't told anyone, so what if she was ashamed of being with you?It isn't as though you have any pride where Buffy's concerned. You had a good thing going there mate, and you blew it!'_

All he wanted to do was crawl back to her on his hands and knees and make things right. But he didn't, for fear that she wouldn't take him back or that she would hate him.

He rubbed a tired hand over his face as he considered his options.

He had never just given up on someone he'd loved before. With Dru, he knew that Angelus came before him, so he worked hard to try and get her full affections. He was attentive, caring; he gave her everything she asked for, no matter how hard it was to obtain.

He loved Buffy a hundred times more than he'd ever loved Dru.

He wasn't about to just sit around and wallow in his misery; wanting her, but never able to have her. He was going to have to do something about it.

_'I don't want her to think I'm a disgusting thing. I need to prove to her that I've changed.'_

Now that he had clarified, in his mind, what he had to do, Spike jumped back into the front seat and started the car.

"She'll gonna see a change. She'll get what she deserves." **  
**  
He set off, determined to do whatever it took to prove his worth to Buffy.

**A/N: Still enjoying it? Let me know!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4 **

One year later...

A black car crashed through the 'Welcome to Sunnydale' sign and skidded to a halt. The occupant got out, stared worriedly at the town and sighed.

"Home sweet home."

Spike got back into the DeSoto and ran his hands nervously through his still-bleached blond hair. It had, however, gotten slightly longer and it curled at the nape of his neck. He still wore his long leather duster and customary black attire. He looked almost exactly as before, but one should never judge a book by its cover.

He was as nervous as hell at the mere thought of seeing Buffy again. He took a deep breath and a swig of whisky from his flask, to calm his nerves, and drove away, in the direction of her house.

His fingers drummed restlessly on the steering wheel as he tried to think of all the things that could possibly happen. She could stake him, she could kiss him, she could send him away. Most of the scenarios swimming through his mind weren't favorable and just added to his agitation as he tried to force them away.

He walked slowly up to her door, almost shaking with fear.

"Get a hold of yourself mate." He took yet another deep breath and knocked.

Dawn opened the door and screamed.

"Er... hello Niblet," he said uneasily.

She just stood there, gawping at him.

"Spike?" she managed to squeak out, after a moment.

"Um... yeah, Lil' Bit, it's me. How have you been?"

"If you really cared about that, you would've stuck around and seen for yourself," she told him hotly, quickly getting over her shock.

"I'm so sorry, sweetheart. I wanted to be here with you, believe me. It almost killed me, having to leave."

Dawn's expression softened. She stared at her feet.

"I missed you."

"I missed you too, pet. Did you get my letters?" he asked softly.

"Yeah," she said, looking up at him, "but it wasn't the same as having you here, and I couldn't write back because you didn't send me the address of where you were. I thought we were best friends. How could you just leave like that without saying anything?"

"Can I come in 'bit? Or, do I have to stay out here all night?" he said, changing the subject.

She moved aside and allowed him to follow her into the house. He stood in the hallway, uncomfortable, with his hands in his pockets.

"Um... Spike..." She turned to regard him. "You have to know that a lot of things changed around here while you were away."

"It's to be expec..." he broke off when he heard the sound of a baby crying upstairs. "Niblet? What's that noise?"

"Um... that? Well..."

He closed his eyes and took a deep, unneeded breath. "Please tell me that Buffy didn't have a child with another man while I was away. If she did, I want you to stake me right here and now. I couldn't bloody take it!" he told her emotionally.

"No! Spike... she didn't... I... erm, you see... the baby is mine."

Spike tried his hardest to process this new information in a way that wouldn't make him over-react.

"Niblet - how? When? Who? How... how could you ruin your life like this?"

"I didn't ruin my life! I love my... um, my daughter very much, she's the best thing that's ever happened to me. Now, if you'll excuse me! I have to go see to her. You can wait in the living room." And with that, Dawn escaped upstairs.

Spike wandered into the front room, in a daze, and thumped down on the sofa. He noticed that hardly anything had changed in the house. Except for the baby things scattered about.

A few minutes later, Dawn came back down the stairs, holding, with the utmost care, a little baby. She walked over to the sofa and sat down next to Spike.

"Would you like to hold her?" she asked him softly.

"Um... I don't think... I don't really know how," he confessed.

"It's easy," she said as she placed the baby carefully in his arms. "Just support the head... yeah, exactly like that."

Spike gazed down at the little bundle in his arms. She was one of the most beautiful things that he'd ever seen in his life. She had the brightest blue eyes, a perfect tiny button nose and the cutest little mouth. She gazed back at up at him.

"She's so beautiful," he said with awe.

Dawn smiled at the sight of the vampire holding the baby.

"She's perfect, isn't she?"

"Yeah 'bit, she's perfect... I still can't believe you have a baby though. I still see you as my baby," he told her, tears he was trying to hide shining in his eyes. The baby let out a little yawn and her eyes began to droop shut. "What's her name?" he whispered, not wanting to disturb her.

"Well... she doesn't have one yet. Although she's three months old, it didn't feel right choosing her name without her fath... er, we haven't thought of a suitable name for her yet. We've just been calling her 'the baby'."

"Niblet? Where's Buffy?" he murmured, still looking at the baby.

"She's still out patrolling, but she should be home soon."

"Um... how..." he cleared his throat. Dawn knew what he meant.

"She's okay... she wasn't for quite a long time though; she really missed you."

"She did?" he questioned.

"Yeah, when you left, she was a real mess for a long time, then she found out about the baby and managed to pull her life together. For my sake and the baby's."

"I didn't mean to hurt her... or you." His voice broke with emotion.

"I know, Spike, I know."

She'd been curled up next to Spike, bringing him up-to-date on what had gone on in his absence, judiciously editing a few events, so that they fit with the story she was telling him. She'd just gotten to the part about Xander and Anya's wedding, when he'd fallen asleep. He seemed physically and emotionally exhausted.

Dawn got up quietly so as not to wake the sleeping vampire and baby and headed into the kitchen, her bare feet padding softly on the floor.

She'd just poured herself a glass of water when she heard the front door open and keys being dropped onto a table.

"Buffy?" she called out.

"Dawn, what are you doing up so late? I'm sorry I didn't come back sooner, but there was this big slime demon and he was going to..." As Buffy trudged into the kitchen, she saw her sister's worried expression. "What's wrong? Did something happen to the baby?"

"No Buffy, she's fine."

Buffy breathed a sigh of relief.

"It's about Spike..."

"Why? Have you heard from him? Is he okay? He's not... dead, is he?" Buffy drew a sharp breath in.

"You are so paranoid! No he's fine... it's just... he's here, Buffy."

"What! He's what?" Buffy tried to comprehend what that meant.

"He fell asleep on the sofa, We were waiting for you to get back. He looked so tired..."

Buffy walked swiftly into the living room and felt a rush of different emotions.

Spike was fast asleep on the sofa, with the baby in his arms, her head tucked under his chin. They both looked so peaceful, cuddled up together, that Buffy start crying softly.

"Buffy? Are you alright?" Dawn asked as she led her sister back into the kitchen and sat her on a stool.

"I'm okay Dawn, it's just a lot to see him again... and with the baby like that... I just..."

"It's alright, Buffy." Dawn gave her sister a hug.

"Well? What did he say when he found out about her?" Buffy asked worriedly.

"He doesn't know yet, I thought I'd give you the chance to tell him when you were ready."

"What? Dawn? What do you mean? He obviously already knows about her," she said, confused.

"No he doesn't. I told him that she was mine. He doesn't know that she's his daughter," Dawn smirked.

"Dawn!" Buffy gasped. "What on earth am I supposed to say to him now?"

"I don't know, but at least I've bought you a bit of time to figure out what you want to do. I know you missed him Buffy, but you really need to ask yourself how much."

"It..." Buffy took a deep breath "It hurts... it hurts that he's not here..."

"Well, that's a start."

"When did you get so grown up?"

"I've always been like this," Dawn replied with a smirk.

Buffy carefully extricated her daughter from her father's arms. She didn't want to disturb either of them, but he stirred in his sleep.

"Mm... Buffy," he mumbled.

She smiled. _'Still dreaming about me, hmm?'_ she thought to herself.

She carried the baby upstairs, placed her gently in her crib and tucked her in.

"I love you," she whispered and kissed her forehead. The baby let out a little gurgle in her sleep.

Buffy went back downstairs and sat quietly next to Spike. She studied his face. He looked so adorable when he was asleep, so beautiful and innocent. He didn't look any different than he had a year ago, which didn't surprise her. He was a vampire after all. Something about him seemed different though. She couldn't quite put her finger on what it was.

She put the palm of her hand on his cheek and then began to trace his features with her fingertips. She ran them over his cheekbones, down his nose, over his bottom lip and finally, over the scar on his eyebrow.

"Why did you come back?" she whispered.

His eyelids fluttered as he began to wake up, leaning into her touch before he realised who was touching him.

"Buffy!" he pulled away and sat up straight. "I... I'm sorry, I didn't mean to fall asleep like this, I'll come back another day," he stammered nervously.

"No Spike, we need to talk," she informed him grimly

"Yes we do... but it's very late and... you must be tired. Are you sure you don't want me to come back at a better time?" he asked her.

"No," she said simply, her voice carrying no emotion.

He looked at her with pain-filled eyes. "Okay... but I..."

She stood and started pacing. "You think you can just leave like that and not even write or call or anything? People have fights Spike, but they take some time to cool down and then they talk it out again. I thought that you would know better than that, or did you not believe in us enough? Is that it?" She narrowed her eyes at him.

"I... Bloody hell, Slayer!"

"You made me believe that you loved me! Was that all just a lie?" she continued angrily.

"You never said it back," he muttered.

"What was that?"

"You never said it back!" He looked up at her. Buffy didn't say anything, she just looked back at him. "How was I supposed to know that you wanted me around? You never said anything to me to let me know that I... that we were more than 'friends with benefits'?"

"So now you're blaming it all on me? That's just swell," she bit out in annoyance.

"What was I supposed to do? Your little friends found out about us and you were so embarrassed... so... _ashamed,"_ he swallowed hard, "that you'd been caught with me."

"I..."

"I couldn't do it. I couldn't go through the hurt of being treated as though I wasn't good enough, that I was beneath someone... again." He stared at his boots, unwilling to look at her.

He was right. All this time she'd been mad at him for leaving, but she'd never realised that she'd hurt him so deeply.

She took a deep breath and sat down next to him. "I want you to know... that, that night... I didn't mean what I said. I was confused and worried..."

"Buff..."

"Don't interrupt me," she told him firmly. "I've wanted to say this for such a long time, so, please, just sit quietly while I get it out."

He regarded her with awe. Gone was the unsure girl he'd once known and, in her place, was a confident, self-reliant woman. In that moment, he knew that he loved her as much as, if not more, than before.

"Where was I?"

Erm... somewhere around confused," he snarked.

"I said no interruptions," she snapped back, but with a tiny smile of her own.

"I was confused and worried about my friends finding out about us like that. I didn't realise how much you meant to me. The things I said to you were inexcusable, but I wasn't using you. Yes, I was ashamed of what would happen when my friends found out I was sleeping with the Big Bad," Spike blanched at that, "but I didn't realize that you hadn't been that for a very long time, and that no-one saw you as evil anymore. I was foolish and hiding behind my own insecurities and, for that, I'm sorry." She paused. "But I still can't forgive you for leaving me when I needed you the most."

Spike slid off the sofa and knelt at her feet. His feelings were beginning to overcome him.

"Luv, everything inside me was screaming to stay with you," he told her desperately. "I had to go out and find my place in this world because I knew that my entire existence couldn't revolve around you. I went to figure out who or what I am. I thought about you every minute I was gone... but I knew... we couldn't go on like we were. I just wanted you to be happy and I obviously wasn't enough for you."

"You leaving didn't make me happy," she said, trying to prevent a sob from escaping. "You always knew exactly what to say, and how to comfort me. But you weren't there - you left! Just like every man I ever loved: My father, Angel, Giles. I thought you would never leave like that. I trusted you! You promised me that _you_ wouldn't go."

He pulled her into his arms and held her tight. She didn't resist and relaxed into him.

"But you didn't love me," he murmured sadly.

"It's not up to you to tell me how to love," she replied softly. "Are you back? For good?"

He didn't know how he was supposed to take her first comment, so he just focused on the second. "For now..." he said carefully. "If you want me to. If not, I'll just piss off out of your way."

"You should stay." She offered no explanation and he didn't question her. He just nodded.

"Luv, we both said some pretty awful things... do you think we can forgive and forget and start over?" he asked.

"Start over? Like how?" she looked at him.

He sat back onto the sofa next to her. "Well... how about we go patrolling tomorrow, start with that and then see what happens from there?" he asked hopefully.

She paused for a few seconds, thinking about his proposal. "It sounds good," she said. She certainly had deep feelings for him and wanted him in their lives. This was a good way for them to take things slowly, one step at a time, and she could figure out just how much he meant to her.

"So, we're friends?" he asked as he held out his hand.

"Friends." She shook his hand in agreement. "And, we'll take it from there."

They stood up and she saw him to the door.

"Night pet!"

"Goodnight Spike." She watched him walk to his car and drive away.

She remained on the porch for a while after he had left, lost in thought. It would be good to have someone who could take care of themselves to watch her back during patrol again, someone she wouldn't be distracted by because they could hold their own in a fight.

She'd finally gotten her life sorted out. She was on the border of being happy and now he was back... although she didn't know whether or not he would fit back into her life again.

She thought back to how things had been before. She'd definitely been happy until their fight. He'd been attentive and had looked after her without smothering her, which no other man had done before. They had always treated her as though she was some sort of china doll.

Spike deserved a second chance. She didn't think it was going to be easy, but they were just going to have to try. Even if it was only for the sake of their daughter.

The baby was another thing that Buffy didn't know what to do about. Maybe things would have been better if she'd told Spike straightaway, instead of dragging it out. Now there was no way that he wouldn't be angry or hurt when he finally found out about her.

She sighed, thinking, _'why do things have to be so complicated?'_ and turned to walk back into the house.

_'One thing's for certain,'_ she thought as she walked up the darkened stairway. _'That man still has a very nice ass.'_

A/N: This chapter was very hard for me to write. I hope you all enjoyed it. Let me know!

This is also the last chapter that is completed. I'm still working on it, but there will be a bit more of a gap between updates.


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